Oh what up I'm still here and I'm still a disaster just in case you were wondering.
I was thinking this morning while getting ready for another pointless day at my pointless job (positivity!) about our love. Yours and mine, ours. Individually and together. The love of my friends keeps me afloat. I don't even need to be told that they love me, I can feel it. Through space and time, through narf and neef I know they love me. I feel it all the time and it's all around me. Thank Hey-sus or whoever, cus if not I'd prob be a goner by now. Of course my family loves me that's what they're s'posed to do no matter what. I got a giant tattoo on my arm and my mom still loves me. I think. I moved across the country and I can feel her love for me everytime we talk even though sometimes she's annoyed because I haven't called enough or because of the tattoo thing. However, friends become family. I'm lucky as a pig in shit to have these people. Even though Patrick is the worst I will always be grateful to Sirius XM and Cosmo Radio for the opportunity to find these people who have become my collective rock. They have my back, my front, they put roofs over my head and food in my belly when I need it. You don't even know my life.
Erin (Dizzle, dontburntheday, your friend, your wife, your daughter, the music of my heart) came to visit me this weekend. I can't pretend that I haven't been a disaster since December, because newsflash, I've been a disaster since December. She knew I needed her and she came and she helped. I'm a crusty crab most of the time but I listen when Dizz speaks because she makes sense. Between her, Katty and Ashlee my perspective as shifted quite a bit. Friends can be the best mirror of ourselves. Nick is another one that gets up in my brain and reminds me to say fuck it. He reminds me to slow down and breathe. Sometimes I forget about myself, I get lost in sadness and pity and bullshit and I lose Jessica. Where does she go? Well she goes with his memory and the tears brought on by his goodbye. She gets lost out there somewhere and this soulless thing wearing a Jessica suit says Jessica type words and goes through the Jessica motions. But Jessica is out there wandering looking for him, hoping and praying the old him will come back and her happiness will return. But that's not a thing and now it's time for a change, with our powers combined I am Captain Planet!!! jk. I'm not but I think things are better.
earth. wind. fire. water. heart.
I'm back now though I think. I'm still kinda foggy. Can't see completely clearly but fuck this unhappiness shit. It's time to pull up my bootstraps and move the fuck on from this fuckery. He's gone, he's not coming back.
On to the next one, I got a million ways to get it.