Thursday, April 30, 2015


I have been listening to all of the music lately. I'm finally able to do that again, for a while there I only listened to podcasts to fill the silences. I could NOT handle music at all, not anything at all ever. But now I can. I feel shit way too deep bro. It's the worst. I've been listenin' to a ton of Miranda Lambert (gasp! I know). She's from Texas and is twangy the way I like so it's ok even though she's "new country" which I find mostly soulless and stupid. Thanks to Hannah I've been listening to the Dixie Chicks Pandora station too, which is also pretty kick ass. If you like that kind of thing. One of the jams I came across is "Love Your Memory" by Miranda Lambert, and I probably have listened to it 250,000 times in the last week.

"I don't wanna see you or feel you.
I don't wanna look into your eyes.
I don't wanna touch you or miss you.
I just wanna love your memory tonight"'

When I miss him, I pour myself a drink (or all of them) get in bed with his flannel shirt on that I still have and just remember the good parts. Romanticizing things is something I do. I always remember the good parts. And then I hear songs and I'm like UGHHHH FEELINGS. Feelings are the worst. What's strange is that some would say I am emotional (LOL) ok overly emotional. I've been called a crybaby for as long as I can remember. Anytime I feel feelings, tears form in my eyeballs. I'm happy? I'm crying. I'm nervous? Crying. Whatever, you have flaws too. Get out of my face. Lately these eyeballs have been dusty as hell. I feel things but the tears don't fall. Especially when I hear these songs specifically and feel super sad but I don't cry.

"I'd sure hate to break down here,
Nothin' up ahead or in the rearview mirror.
Out in the middle of nowhere knowin'
I'm in trouble if these wheels stop rollin'
God help me keep me movin' somehow.
Don't let me start wishin' I was with him now.
I've made it this far without cryin' a single tear.
I'd sure hate to break down here".

"You said I was all you'd ever need.
Love is blind and little did I know
You were just another dead end road
Paved with pretty lies and broken dreams"

"Baby leavin' you was easier than bein' gone
I don't know what I'll do if one more thing goes wrong"

The above is another random jam I came across by some broad named Julie Roberts, called "Break Down Here". It's a big huge metaphor about feelings and car troubles. I relate to it mostly because I don't want to break down here, in Pennsylvania away from everything and everyone. I'm not totally away from everyone, my friends are here, some of the best friends I've ever had in this life. I don't wanna be vulnerable out here though away from my family amidst all these strangers. I don't know if you know this about me but I have a reputation of being sort of a hard ass, or so I'm told. I've made it this far without cryin' a single tear. I always feel like I have to keep the wheels moving somehow, not taking it one day at a time but taking it 10 seconds at a time. How long as it been since something has reminded me of him? How long has it been since he's crossed my mind? Ok 20 minutes? wow that's pretty good. A whole day? Fuck I'm basically over his ass now. Then comes the reminder of words. "You're my best friend. It's just me and you, me and you against the world". Or I see someone wearing a tshirt advertising his favorite beer. Or I see his stupid exit to his stupid town. God help me keep me movin' somehow.

"Go and fix your makeup girl
It's just a break up
Run and hide your crazy and start acting like a lady
Keep it together even when you fall apart"

So heartbreak! It's a thing. Music is a thing. Sometimes it helps, sometimes it doesn't and sometimes I'm in my bathtub with a full glass of whiskey. Carebear cup. It happens.

"Love is like a dying ember and only memories remain" Willie forever.

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