Thursday, April 16, 2015

Heartbreaks and Bootyshakes

Hey how you doin?

Once upon a time, I had a blog and I only wrote it in it like once a year. So here it is, you're welcome.

I fell in love once, and then I was single and now here we all are. Just the worst. I listen to a lot of sad country music and spend a lot of time thinking about hanging myself from the rafters. Side note though, what are rafters? I don't even know but I imagine my big fat body swangin' from them and wonder if I'd be smart enough to get the right kind of rope. Don't call the hotline, I'm joking, mostly. Suicide is never the answer unless it is. Seriously I'm fine. WHAT ARE RAFTERS!?

But really, how CANNNN you mend a brokenheart? Can a girl get one of those memory eraser things? I use whiskey instead but the memories are still there. Whiskey River doesn't take my mind, Willie. Thanks for nothing bro. It's totally normal to just be laid out on the floor of your house mumbling to yourself about how this is just a phase and tomorrow will be better right? RIGHT? Again, kidding. It's not that extreme. It's a new world for me though, completely on my own, no roommate, no man, my folks hella far away. I'm just out here in the world, like what.

I moved to Philadelphia in case you didn't know. And if you didn't know that who are you? Are you a stranger all up in my blog? Stranger Danger! I need an adult.

Aside from the crippling heartbreak, I've made many delightful friends at my job, which is kind of the best. Let me break them down for you.

Made a friend name of Kat, I calls her Katty and she is probably the friendliest just genuinely nicest person of all time. She greets your ass with a smile no matter how she's feeling or what your gloomy ass is looking like. She's had to deal with me basically on a daily basis since I moved here a year ago. When I was questioning my life choices down in the pharmacy department she invited me to lunch and I've had a pal ever since. Always with a bag of popcorn or a poptart at the ready. That girl will dance and sing to literally anything, even with me being judgemental about caucasian music. She'll do it. She has red hair.

And then Nick, I call him Nicko because of course I do. This kid is funny. Like, just seeing his face makes me laugh, not because he's funny looking but because we have this thing. Well in my mind we have this thing, like we understand each other. Like maybe he's my brother, or my soul mate, one of those things. Who knows what it is but it's a thing. He's honest, and funny and really super talented. He's held my hand more than once with all of the crying and listened to me and ate food with me which is the most intimate. INTIMACY.

Met some chinamen (relax) name of Joy Joy and Moonpie. Moon's real name is Minh but who calls her that? Not me. These broads know how to get down. I'll never forget one particularly depressing day in the lunchroom (cafe whatever) when Joy got to flailing and said OMG OMG OMG I KNOW WHAT WE SHOULD DO. STRIP CLUB. It was all down hill from there. We went, we got molested, Joy drank and threw up and I have never laughed so hard. Moon and I are pretty much twins and inseparable. She's younger than me but definitely is more mature by like a lot. She's so tiny I just want to hold her in my arms for all times. Sometimes I feel like a giant ready to crush her village, but I love her. Her and Joy, my chinamen.

There are plenty more, but those are my main hoes at this time as far as new pals go. And dude, happy hour. Happy hour was never really a thing in my life before this job, and now it's a thing. It's not every week or even every month, but when we go we tear it all the way down. I heckle when the guitar guy doesn't know Willie Nelson jams and then he plays Florida Georgia Line or something equally as terrible. Who is Luke Bryan? No idea. Also remember when Blake Shelton had a mullet? OF COURSE YOU DONT. That's when he was good. Don't get me going on this. Annnyyyway. Everyone goes to happy hour and I have one beer and then several vodkas and dance. It's pretty fun, you should come sometime. Unless I don't like you then you're uninvited, don't show your face and ruin my good time.

In the midst of the heartbreak and my birthday, my new friends took me out on the town. We danced and drank and laughed until my face hurt which is really the best. I feel like I've gotten funnier, and I give less fucks now than I did before, pretty great. Aside from the new friends, my seasoned (not old) friends are keeping me together as well. I spend a lot of time running around the planet, mostly for food and shopping.

Soooo that's kinda it in a nutshell. You're welcome, again.


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