Thursday, April 30, 2015


I have been listening to all of the music lately. I'm finally able to do that again, for a while there I only listened to podcasts to fill the silences. I could NOT handle music at all, not anything at all ever. But now I can. I feel shit way too deep bro. It's the worst. I've been listenin' to a ton of Miranda Lambert (gasp! I know). She's from Texas and is twangy the way I like so it's ok even though she's "new country" which I find mostly soulless and stupid. Thanks to Hannah I've been listening to the Dixie Chicks Pandora station too, which is also pretty kick ass. If you like that kind of thing. One of the jams I came across is "Love Your Memory" by Miranda Lambert, and I probably have listened to it 250,000 times in the last week.

"I don't wanna see you or feel you.
I don't wanna look into your eyes.
I don't wanna touch you or miss you.
I just wanna love your memory tonight"'

When I miss him, I pour myself a drink (or all of them) get in bed with his flannel shirt on that I still have and just remember the good parts. Romanticizing things is something I do. I always remember the good parts. And then I hear songs and I'm like UGHHHH FEELINGS. Feelings are the worst. What's strange is that some would say I am emotional (LOL) ok overly emotional. I've been called a crybaby for as long as I can remember. Anytime I feel feelings, tears form in my eyeballs. I'm happy? I'm crying. I'm nervous? Crying. Whatever, you have flaws too. Get out of my face. Lately these eyeballs have been dusty as hell. I feel things but the tears don't fall. Especially when I hear these songs specifically and feel super sad but I don't cry.

"I'd sure hate to break down here,
Nothin' up ahead or in the rearview mirror.
Out in the middle of nowhere knowin'
I'm in trouble if these wheels stop rollin'
God help me keep me movin' somehow.
Don't let me start wishin' I was with him now.
I've made it this far without cryin' a single tear.
I'd sure hate to break down here".

"You said I was all you'd ever need.
Love is blind and little did I know
You were just another dead end road
Paved with pretty lies and broken dreams"

"Baby leavin' you was easier than bein' gone
I don't know what I'll do if one more thing goes wrong"

The above is another random jam I came across by some broad named Julie Roberts, called "Break Down Here". It's a big huge metaphor about feelings and car troubles. I relate to it mostly because I don't want to break down here, in Pennsylvania away from everything and everyone. I'm not totally away from everyone, my friends are here, some of the best friends I've ever had in this life. I don't wanna be vulnerable out here though away from my family amidst all these strangers. I don't know if you know this about me but I have a reputation of being sort of a hard ass, or so I'm told. I've made it this far without cryin' a single tear. I always feel like I have to keep the wheels moving somehow, not taking it one day at a time but taking it 10 seconds at a time. How long as it been since something has reminded me of him? How long has it been since he's crossed my mind? Ok 20 minutes? wow that's pretty good. A whole day? Fuck I'm basically over his ass now. Then comes the reminder of words. "You're my best friend. It's just me and you, me and you against the world". Or I see someone wearing a tshirt advertising his favorite beer. Or I see his stupid exit to his stupid town. God help me keep me movin' somehow.

"Go and fix your makeup girl
It's just a break up
Run and hide your crazy and start acting like a lady
Keep it together even when you fall apart"

So heartbreak! It's a thing. Music is a thing. Sometimes it helps, sometimes it doesn't and sometimes I'm in my bathtub with a full glass of whiskey. Carebear cup. It happens.

"Love is like a dying ember and only memories remain" Willie forever.

Tuesday, April 28, 2015


Pretty much all I say now is YOLO. Cus YOLO. It fits. Every scenario. I'm 100 years late on YOLO but whatever shut up. You DO only live once allegedly, and if you don't, you don't remember the first time around unless you come across a gypsy or a mexican grandma or some shit.

I'm runnin' on two hours of sleep so bear (bare, beer?) with me. I don't know what you think about things but I feel like love is dumb and it doesn't happen all the time. Like happens, obsession happens, lust happens, narf happens. But love isn't a thing you just roll up on like every damn day. Unless you're in a boyband. Those guys love love and they set unrealistic expectations, they're worse than Disney movies for realsies. Anywho. If you LOVE  a mofo, like you can't eat, sleep. breathe, be without this person don't let them go. Unless you're really stupid. If you're really stupid, go ahead and let that bitch go and let him/her fly so they can find someone who will appreciate them while they're still pining over your stupid ass. You are so dumb. Or maybe don't do that, and you hold onto that motherfucker no matter what it takes. Shit isn't easy. Life isn't the best, it's not puppies and rainbows and ice cream. Sometimes it's shit on your shoe, or a needy bitch wanting some time with you because she loves you and that's just annoying as fuck isn't it? The worst. But the best. 

Just like, don't make yourself suffer because YOLO. Tomorrow isn't promised. Maybe a tornado will land on your head or a riot will start in your city and someone will set you on fire and then wouldn't that be the end of you and your ridiculousness? Love the people you love with all you've got. Don't sit at home drinking and wishing and hoping and narfing your life away. Love your lovers and friends. Spend time with them and tell them stuff. And who is gonna love your dumbass if not this person? Who is going to put up with your annoying habits and smelly apartment? And your moldy bathroom and dirty fridge? Someone out there loves you despite all your dumb things. YOLO you big huge idiot. 

Thursday, April 16, 2015

Heartbreaks and Bootyshakes

Hey how you doin?

Once upon a time, I had a blog and I only wrote it in it like once a year. So here it is, you're welcome.

I fell in love once, and then I was single and now here we all are. Just the worst. I listen to a lot of sad country music and spend a lot of time thinking about hanging myself from the rafters. Side note though, what are rafters? I don't even know but I imagine my big fat body swangin' from them and wonder if I'd be smart enough to get the right kind of rope. Don't call the hotline, I'm joking, mostly. Suicide is never the answer unless it is. Seriously I'm fine. WHAT ARE RAFTERS!?

But really, how CANNNN you mend a brokenheart? Can a girl get one of those memory eraser things? I use whiskey instead but the memories are still there. Whiskey River doesn't take my mind, Willie. Thanks for nothing bro. It's totally normal to just be laid out on the floor of your house mumbling to yourself about how this is just a phase and tomorrow will be better right? RIGHT? Again, kidding. It's not that extreme. It's a new world for me though, completely on my own, no roommate, no man, my folks hella far away. I'm just out here in the world, like what.

I moved to Philadelphia in case you didn't know. And if you didn't know that who are you? Are you a stranger all up in my blog? Stranger Danger! I need an adult.

Aside from the crippling heartbreak, I've made many delightful friends at my job, which is kind of the best. Let me break them down for you.

Made a friend name of Kat, I calls her Katty and she is probably the friendliest just genuinely nicest person of all time. She greets your ass with a smile no matter how she's feeling or what your gloomy ass is looking like. She's had to deal with me basically on a daily basis since I moved here a year ago. When I was questioning my life choices down in the pharmacy department she invited me to lunch and I've had a pal ever since. Always with a bag of popcorn or a poptart at the ready. That girl will dance and sing to literally anything, even with me being judgemental about caucasian music. She'll do it. She has red hair.

And then Nick, I call him Nicko because of course I do. This kid is funny. Like, just seeing his face makes me laugh, not because he's funny looking but because we have this thing. Well in my mind we have this thing, like we understand each other. Like maybe he's my brother, or my soul mate, one of those things. Who knows what it is but it's a thing. He's honest, and funny and really super talented. He's held my hand more than once with all of the crying and listened to me and ate food with me which is the most intimate. INTIMACY.

Met some chinamen (relax) name of Joy Joy and Moonpie. Moon's real name is Minh but who calls her that? Not me. These broads know how to get down. I'll never forget one particularly depressing day in the lunchroom (cafe whatever) when Joy got to flailing and said OMG OMG OMG I KNOW WHAT WE SHOULD DO. STRIP CLUB. It was all down hill from there. We went, we got molested, Joy drank and threw up and I have never laughed so hard. Moon and I are pretty much twins and inseparable. She's younger than me but definitely is more mature by like a lot. She's so tiny I just want to hold her in my arms for all times. Sometimes I feel like a giant ready to crush her village, but I love her. Her and Joy, my chinamen.

There are plenty more, but those are my main hoes at this time as far as new pals go. And dude, happy hour. Happy hour was never really a thing in my life before this job, and now it's a thing. It's not every week or even every month, but when we go we tear it all the way down. I heckle when the guitar guy doesn't know Willie Nelson jams and then he plays Florida Georgia Line or something equally as terrible. Who is Luke Bryan? No idea. Also remember when Blake Shelton had a mullet? OF COURSE YOU DONT. That's when he was good. Don't get me going on this. Annnyyyway. Everyone goes to happy hour and I have one beer and then several vodkas and dance. It's pretty fun, you should come sometime. Unless I don't like you then you're uninvited, don't show your face and ruin my good time.

In the midst of the heartbreak and my birthday, my new friends took me out on the town. We danced and drank and laughed until my face hurt which is really the best. I feel like I've gotten funnier, and I give less fucks now than I did before, pretty great. Aside from the new friends, my seasoned (not old) friends are keeping me together as well. I spend a lot of time running around the planet, mostly for food and shopping.

Soooo that's kinda it in a nutshell. You're welcome, again.