Thursday, October 1, 2015

'round and 'round we go

where I'll stop only the guardrail knows!

I lost control of my car this morning. I was taking my normal exit to work, listening to Kenny and Taylor and now I can't even remember what they were talking about. I felt the car slide and begin to spin and honestly I had no idea what to do so I just hung onto the steering wheel and was thankful that I was wearing nice underpants just in case I needed to be cut out of my jeans. But it wasn't as dramatic as all that, my car bounced off the guardrail a few times, leaving my poor Ponti a dented mess. I'm shaken but I'm ok.

8:30 am isn't the ideal time to get into an accident on exit 7. There were cars stopped in front of me and cars coming off of 95 behind me, some not driving too slow. As I spun for what seemed like an eternity I thought, "Well this is it, someone is going to broadside me and that will be it. My bones and my organs will be crushed and my mom will have to fly or drive up here to claim my broke ass. I hope Ashlee gets to the house first and gets rid of all the things my mom doesn't need to see. I hope Mark never finds out how much I cried and never sees that I still have one of his lanyards from one of his conferences hanging in my closet...I should have gotten rid of that."

Anyway, I'm alive! I LIIIIIIVE! I guess this is dramatic but I've never been involved in a car accident before. Wait that's a lie, an old lady hit me when I was 16 but I don't really remember much about that and it didn't feel as scary even though my 88 chevy cavalier never recovered.

Moral of the story is, wear nice underpants because you never know when you might have to be cut out of your jeans.

Wednesday, June 24, 2015

Dear Jessica.

You're almost there girl. Hang on. Shut up and drive.

Shut up and drive
You don't know what you're talking about
He's not the one
You ought to know that by now
You've got one of those hearts
That keeps changing your mind
Your heart has a way of making you stay
So shut up and drive

Don't look in the mirror
He might have that look in his eyes
The one thats so strong
It strangles your will to survive
He's mastered the art
Of looking sincere
His eyes have a way of making you stay
Don't look in the mirror

I'm the voice you never listen to
And I had to break your heart to make you see
That he's the one who will be missing you
And you'll only miss the man
That you wanted him to be

Turn the radio on
To drown out the sound of goodbye
Blink back the tears
Show me you've still got your pride
Just get yourself lost
In a sad country song
Those guys that they play
Know just what to say
Turn the radio on.

Shut up and drive
Don't look in the mirror
Turn the radio on
Get out of here
Shut up and drive
Shut up and drive
Shut up and drive

Tuesday, June 16, 2015

It's your love.

Oh what up I'm still here and I'm still a disaster just in case you were wondering.

I was thinking this morning while getting ready for another pointless day at my pointless job (positivity!) about our love. Yours and mine, ours. Individually and together. The love of my friends keeps me afloat. I don't even need to be told that they love me, I can feel it. Through space and time, through narf and neef I know they love me. I feel it all the time and it's all around me. Thank Hey-sus or whoever, cus if not I'd prob be a goner by now. Of course my family loves me that's what they're s'posed to do no matter what. I got a giant tattoo on my arm and my mom still loves me. I think. I moved across the country and I can feel her love for me everytime we talk even though sometimes she's annoyed because I haven't called enough or because of the tattoo thing. However, friends become family. I'm lucky as a pig in shit to have these people. Even though Patrick is the worst I will always be grateful to Sirius XM and Cosmo Radio for the opportunity to find these people who have become my collective rock. They have my back, my front, they put roofs over my head and food in my belly when I need it. You don't even know my life.

Erin (Dizzle, dontburntheday, your friend, your wife, your daughter, the music of my heart) came to visit me this weekend. I can't pretend that I haven't been a disaster since December, because newsflash, I've been a disaster since December. She knew I needed her and she came and she helped. I'm a crusty crab most of the time but I listen when Dizz speaks because she makes sense. Between her, Katty and Ashlee my perspective as shifted quite a bit. Friends can be the best mirror of ourselves. Nick is another one that gets up in my brain and reminds me to say fuck it. He reminds me to slow down and breathe. Sometimes I forget about myself, I get lost in sadness and pity and bullshit and I lose Jessica. Where does she go? Well she goes with his memory and the tears brought on by his goodbye. She gets lost out there somewhere and this soulless thing wearing a Jessica suit says Jessica type words and goes through the Jessica motions. But Jessica is out there wandering looking for him, hoping and praying the old him will come back and her happiness will return. But that's not a thing and now it's time for a change, with our powers combined I am Captain Planet!!! jk. I'm not but I think things are better.

 earth. wind. fire. water. heart.

I'm back now though I think. I'm still kinda foggy. Can't see completely clearly but fuck this unhappiness shit. It's time to pull up my bootstraps and move the fuck on from this fuckery. He's gone, he's not coming back.

On to the next one, I got a million ways to get it.

Tuesday, May 26, 2015

Are we out of the woods yet?

Nope. We're not. Or I'm not.

Just when I think I'm over it oh shit I'm not. Oh shit JK bitch you're not over shit. I don't know if drinking makes it better or worse, I guess it depends on the day. I dunno.

I feel myself feeling better, yolo'ing all over the world and then I come crashing down and I'm crying and not sleeping and wishing to be home. Mostly I'm wishing that this whole thing never happened and that I was smarter and more emotionally stable. I hate days like this when I've only slept for 3 hours and then I come to work with tears in my eyes. GET A GRIP BRO. THINGS AREN'T THAT BAD. That's me yelling at myself. I throw myself pity parties about how stupid and fat and ugly and selfish I am and I try to talk myself out of that mindset but I backslide. Cus I really am the worst. Just ask anyone, especially ask strangers on the internet, they for real know what's up.

I put him in a box, (get him out of the boooox) the same box my grandparents go in. People that I love so much that I can't even think about them. Except that he's not dead and when he pops up he makes me wish I was. Or that I could go back in time and stop myself from talking to him, even though having him was the best time of my life, being without him has been the worst time of my life. THE WORST. Can we be friends? ugh. Am I going to have to hear about him moving on? Christ kill me now. But I still hang on, who the fuck knows why. Cus I'm dumb.

And now here I am at work with tears streaming down my stupid face. pretty good look. Keep crying your make up off, that helps everything. You look super attractive right now.

So. Nope. Not out of the woods yet.

Thursday, April 30, 2015


I have been listening to all of the music lately. I'm finally able to do that again, for a while there I only listened to podcasts to fill the silences. I could NOT handle music at all, not anything at all ever. But now I can. I feel shit way too deep bro. It's the worst. I've been listenin' to a ton of Miranda Lambert (gasp! I know). She's from Texas and is twangy the way I like so it's ok even though she's "new country" which I find mostly soulless and stupid. Thanks to Hannah I've been listening to the Dixie Chicks Pandora station too, which is also pretty kick ass. If you like that kind of thing. One of the jams I came across is "Love Your Memory" by Miranda Lambert, and I probably have listened to it 250,000 times in the last week.

"I don't wanna see you or feel you.
I don't wanna look into your eyes.
I don't wanna touch you or miss you.
I just wanna love your memory tonight"'

When I miss him, I pour myself a drink (or all of them) get in bed with his flannel shirt on that I still have and just remember the good parts. Romanticizing things is something I do. I always remember the good parts. And then I hear songs and I'm like UGHHHH FEELINGS. Feelings are the worst. What's strange is that some would say I am emotional (LOL) ok overly emotional. I've been called a crybaby for as long as I can remember. Anytime I feel feelings, tears form in my eyeballs. I'm happy? I'm crying. I'm nervous? Crying. Whatever, you have flaws too. Get out of my face. Lately these eyeballs have been dusty as hell. I feel things but the tears don't fall. Especially when I hear these songs specifically and feel super sad but I don't cry.

"I'd sure hate to break down here,
Nothin' up ahead or in the rearview mirror.
Out in the middle of nowhere knowin'
I'm in trouble if these wheels stop rollin'
God help me keep me movin' somehow.
Don't let me start wishin' I was with him now.
I've made it this far without cryin' a single tear.
I'd sure hate to break down here".

"You said I was all you'd ever need.
Love is blind and little did I know
You were just another dead end road
Paved with pretty lies and broken dreams"

"Baby leavin' you was easier than bein' gone
I don't know what I'll do if one more thing goes wrong"

The above is another random jam I came across by some broad named Julie Roberts, called "Break Down Here". It's a big huge metaphor about feelings and car troubles. I relate to it mostly because I don't want to break down here, in Pennsylvania away from everything and everyone. I'm not totally away from everyone, my friends are here, some of the best friends I've ever had in this life. I don't wanna be vulnerable out here though away from my family amidst all these strangers. I don't know if you know this about me but I have a reputation of being sort of a hard ass, or so I'm told. I've made it this far without cryin' a single tear. I always feel like I have to keep the wheels moving somehow, not taking it one day at a time but taking it 10 seconds at a time. How long as it been since something has reminded me of him? How long has it been since he's crossed my mind? Ok 20 minutes? wow that's pretty good. A whole day? Fuck I'm basically over his ass now. Then comes the reminder of words. "You're my best friend. It's just me and you, me and you against the world". Or I see someone wearing a tshirt advertising his favorite beer. Or I see his stupid exit to his stupid town. God help me keep me movin' somehow.

"Go and fix your makeup girl
It's just a break up
Run and hide your crazy and start acting like a lady
Keep it together even when you fall apart"

So heartbreak! It's a thing. Music is a thing. Sometimes it helps, sometimes it doesn't and sometimes I'm in my bathtub with a full glass of whiskey. Carebear cup. It happens.

"Love is like a dying ember and only memories remain" Willie forever.

Tuesday, April 28, 2015


Pretty much all I say now is YOLO. Cus YOLO. It fits. Every scenario. I'm 100 years late on YOLO but whatever shut up. You DO only live once allegedly, and if you don't, you don't remember the first time around unless you come across a gypsy or a mexican grandma or some shit.

I'm runnin' on two hours of sleep so bear (bare, beer?) with me. I don't know what you think about things but I feel like love is dumb and it doesn't happen all the time. Like happens, obsession happens, lust happens, narf happens. But love isn't a thing you just roll up on like every damn day. Unless you're in a boyband. Those guys love love and they set unrealistic expectations, they're worse than Disney movies for realsies. Anywho. If you LOVE  a mofo, like you can't eat, sleep. breathe, be without this person don't let them go. Unless you're really stupid. If you're really stupid, go ahead and let that bitch go and let him/her fly so they can find someone who will appreciate them while they're still pining over your stupid ass. You are so dumb. Or maybe don't do that, and you hold onto that motherfucker no matter what it takes. Shit isn't easy. Life isn't the best, it's not puppies and rainbows and ice cream. Sometimes it's shit on your shoe, or a needy bitch wanting some time with you because she loves you and that's just annoying as fuck isn't it? The worst. But the best. 

Just like, don't make yourself suffer because YOLO. Tomorrow isn't promised. Maybe a tornado will land on your head or a riot will start in your city and someone will set you on fire and then wouldn't that be the end of you and your ridiculousness? Love the people you love with all you've got. Don't sit at home drinking and wishing and hoping and narfing your life away. Love your lovers and friends. Spend time with them and tell them stuff. And who is gonna love your dumbass if not this person? Who is going to put up with your annoying habits and smelly apartment? And your moldy bathroom and dirty fridge? Someone out there loves you despite all your dumb things. YOLO you big huge idiot. 

Thursday, April 16, 2015

Heartbreaks and Bootyshakes

Hey how you doin?

Once upon a time, I had a blog and I only wrote it in it like once a year. So here it is, you're welcome.

I fell in love once, and then I was single and now here we all are. Just the worst. I listen to a lot of sad country music and spend a lot of time thinking about hanging myself from the rafters. Side note though, what are rafters? I don't even know but I imagine my big fat body swangin' from them and wonder if I'd be smart enough to get the right kind of rope. Don't call the hotline, I'm joking, mostly. Suicide is never the answer unless it is. Seriously I'm fine. WHAT ARE RAFTERS!?

But really, how CANNNN you mend a brokenheart? Can a girl get one of those memory eraser things? I use whiskey instead but the memories are still there. Whiskey River doesn't take my mind, Willie. Thanks for nothing bro. It's totally normal to just be laid out on the floor of your house mumbling to yourself about how this is just a phase and tomorrow will be better right? RIGHT? Again, kidding. It's not that extreme. It's a new world for me though, completely on my own, no roommate, no man, my folks hella far away. I'm just out here in the world, like what.

I moved to Philadelphia in case you didn't know. And if you didn't know that who are you? Are you a stranger all up in my blog? Stranger Danger! I need an adult.

Aside from the crippling heartbreak, I've made many delightful friends at my job, which is kind of the best. Let me break them down for you.

Made a friend name of Kat, I calls her Katty and she is probably the friendliest just genuinely nicest person of all time. She greets your ass with a smile no matter how she's feeling or what your gloomy ass is looking like. She's had to deal with me basically on a daily basis since I moved here a year ago. When I was questioning my life choices down in the pharmacy department she invited me to lunch and I've had a pal ever since. Always with a bag of popcorn or a poptart at the ready. That girl will dance and sing to literally anything, even with me being judgemental about caucasian music. She'll do it. She has red hair.

And then Nick, I call him Nicko because of course I do. This kid is funny. Like, just seeing his face makes me laugh, not because he's funny looking but because we have this thing. Well in my mind we have this thing, like we understand each other. Like maybe he's my brother, or my soul mate, one of those things. Who knows what it is but it's a thing. He's honest, and funny and really super talented. He's held my hand more than once with all of the crying and listened to me and ate food with me which is the most intimate. INTIMACY.

Met some chinamen (relax) name of Joy Joy and Moonpie. Moon's real name is Minh but who calls her that? Not me. These broads know how to get down. I'll never forget one particularly depressing day in the lunchroom (cafe whatever) when Joy got to flailing and said OMG OMG OMG I KNOW WHAT WE SHOULD DO. STRIP CLUB. It was all down hill from there. We went, we got molested, Joy drank and threw up and I have never laughed so hard. Moon and I are pretty much twins and inseparable. She's younger than me but definitely is more mature by like a lot. She's so tiny I just want to hold her in my arms for all times. Sometimes I feel like a giant ready to crush her village, but I love her. Her and Joy, my chinamen.

There are plenty more, but those are my main hoes at this time as far as new pals go. And dude, happy hour. Happy hour was never really a thing in my life before this job, and now it's a thing. It's not every week or even every month, but when we go we tear it all the way down. I heckle when the guitar guy doesn't know Willie Nelson jams and then he plays Florida Georgia Line or something equally as terrible. Who is Luke Bryan? No idea. Also remember when Blake Shelton had a mullet? OF COURSE YOU DONT. That's when he was good. Don't get me going on this. Annnyyyway. Everyone goes to happy hour and I have one beer and then several vodkas and dance. It's pretty fun, you should come sometime. Unless I don't like you then you're uninvited, don't show your face and ruin my good time.

In the midst of the heartbreak and my birthday, my new friends took me out on the town. We danced and drank and laughed until my face hurt which is really the best. I feel like I've gotten funnier, and I give less fucks now than I did before, pretty great. Aside from the new friends, my seasoned (not old) friends are keeping me together as well. I spend a lot of time running around the planet, mostly for food and shopping.

Soooo that's kinda it in a nutshell. You're welcome, again.