Thursday, October 1, 2015

'round and 'round we go

where I'll stop only the guardrail knows!

I lost control of my car this morning. I was taking my normal exit to work, listening to Kenny and Taylor and now I can't even remember what they were talking about. I felt the car slide and begin to spin and honestly I had no idea what to do so I just hung onto the steering wheel and was thankful that I was wearing nice underpants just in case I needed to be cut out of my jeans. But it wasn't as dramatic as all that, my car bounced off the guardrail a few times, leaving my poor Ponti a dented mess. I'm shaken but I'm ok.

8:30 am isn't the ideal time to get into an accident on exit 7. There were cars stopped in front of me and cars coming off of 95 behind me, some not driving too slow. As I spun for what seemed like an eternity I thought, "Well this is it, someone is going to broadside me and that will be it. My bones and my organs will be crushed and my mom will have to fly or drive up here to claim my broke ass. I hope Ashlee gets to the house first and gets rid of all the things my mom doesn't need to see. I hope Mark never finds out how much I cried and never sees that I still have one of his lanyards from one of his conferences hanging in my closet...I should have gotten rid of that."

Anyway, I'm alive! I LIIIIIIVE! I guess this is dramatic but I've never been involved in a car accident before. Wait that's a lie, an old lady hit me when I was 16 but I don't really remember much about that and it didn't feel as scary even though my 88 chevy cavalier never recovered.

Moral of the story is, wear nice underpants because you never know when you might have to be cut out of your jeans.

Tuesday, April 28, 2015


Pretty much all I say now is YOLO. Cus YOLO. It fits. Every scenario. I'm 100 years late on YOLO but whatever shut up. You DO only live once allegedly, and if you don't, you don't remember the first time around unless you come across a gypsy or a mexican grandma or some shit.

I'm runnin' on two hours of sleep so bear (bare, beer?) with me. I don't know what you think about things but I feel like love is dumb and it doesn't happen all the time. Like happens, obsession happens, lust happens, narf happens. But love isn't a thing you just roll up on like every damn day. Unless you're in a boyband. Those guys love love and they set unrealistic expectations, they're worse than Disney movies for realsies. Anywho. If you LOVE  a mofo, like you can't eat, sleep. breathe, be without this person don't let them go. Unless you're really stupid. If you're really stupid, go ahead and let that bitch go and let him/her fly so they can find someone who will appreciate them while they're still pining over your stupid ass. You are so dumb. Or maybe don't do that, and you hold onto that motherfucker no matter what it takes. Shit isn't easy. Life isn't the best, it's not puppies and rainbows and ice cream. Sometimes it's shit on your shoe, or a needy bitch wanting some time with you because she loves you and that's just annoying as fuck isn't it? The worst. But the best. 

Just like, don't make yourself suffer because YOLO. Tomorrow isn't promised. Maybe a tornado will land on your head or a riot will start in your city and someone will set you on fire and then wouldn't that be the end of you and your ridiculousness? Love the people you love with all you've got. Don't sit at home drinking and wishing and hoping and narfing your life away. Love your lovers and friends. Spend time with them and tell them stuff. And who is gonna love your dumbass if not this person? Who is going to put up with your annoying habits and smelly apartment? And your moldy bathroom and dirty fridge? Someone out there loves you despite all your dumb things. YOLO you big huge idiot.