Wednesday, March 23, 2011

Struggles McGee

The last few days have had me thinking about high school and junior high.

I have never ever been a person who conformed to anything. I am many things, but a follower is not one of them. I'm not someone who needed or wanted desperately to fit in with the popular kids. I was a leader of my own band of rejects and we were amazing. The only time I wished that I was with the in crowd was in 7th grade, when a popular boy kissed me behind the school and begged me not to tell anyone. He called me later that night and said that we could be boyfriend and girlfriend in secret, but that wasn't good enough for me. He wanted to hide me from his friends and from the rest of the school, because he knew that my crimped hair, baggy overalls and over sized t shirts would get him ridiculed. I wanted desperately to be thinner, more stylish and more popular, but I would not compromise myself for him or for anyone.

I have never lacked in attention from guys or been lonely from lack of friends, but people really judge you when you're bigger and some assume that you've never had a boyfriend, or that you lack social skills. When walking with cute boys in school, thinner girls would always talk shit. ALWAYS. It was so annoying. It is super hard to be a plus sized person in this world. I struggle with laziness and food control. I struggle with lots of things, but that doesn't mean that I'm a bad person or that I don't deserve to live in this world with the rest of you. I know lots of other plus sized people deal with this kind of thing, and it's really sad. I have never been a judgmental person. People can do whatever they want, like whatever they like. I'm not one to turn my nose up at anyone. I hate when people do that to me so I surely never want to do that. I hate that girls have this negative connotation that we all talk about each other behind each others backs and that we are so judgmental. I can't speak for everyone but I am not like that. If I have something to say about you, you can bet that I will say it to your face. I really value my friendships and am not one to be competitive with my friends, I always want the best for my friends.

Lately, I have been trying to really find my style, which is really hard since I have to order the majority of my clothes online, another pitfall of the extra awesomeness that is me and my lady lumps. I've been trying to find myself in clothes, in weight loss and in food. Last night while rediscovering some amazing music (lost NSync tracks, judge me if you wish, I don't give an F) I got to thinking about the girl I used to be. Where has she gone? I am not dresses, high heels, or skinny girl clothes. I never ever have been any of that. I am trying to lose weight now to prevent health risks in the future, but in the midst of that I've been caught up in shit I never was and never will be - skinny.

At my thinnest, I was a size 12 in the 9th grade. I was always active,  I played basketball, volleyball, ran track and played some softball from 4th grade all the way up through high school, but I have always been the biggest girl on the team. Now that school is out and my activity level has dropped to zero I have gained a ton of weight. I'm unhappy with the weight I am now and would give anything to be back to a size 12, but I am learning to live in the body I have now. I can't just hide myself away until I'm a size 12 again.

I suppose this is just a note to remind myself that I am ok. I am still beautiful. I have an amazing husband, a great family and really good friends online and off.

I am a good wife
I am a ponytail
I am 2 pairs of converse
I am jeans (everyday)
I am glasses
I am funny as shit
I am popular
I am gregarious
I am a social butterfly
I am a good friend
I am a good listener
I am always willing to help
I am so fucking nice

5 comments:

  1. Girl, Im strugglin' right along with you. There was a time (very briefly only a couple years) that I had the body that I loved, and wore skinny girl clothes and shit, but even then I wasnt satisfied. Now I look back and wonder what was wrong with me.

    I've come to realize that I will never be skinny again, either. but I want to get healthier. I want to be able to walk up a flight of stairs without getting winded...Hell if someone was chasing after me, I'd be shit outta luck lol.

    aight, let me stop LOL

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  2. You are a bad ass and what you wrote I could identify on so many levels. Love ya like a fat girl loves cake ... and I loves my cake. :)

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  3. Thanks gals! I hope this blog didn't come off as "holier than thou" that wasn't my intention at all. I just have to let folks know that I struggle! lol. Love y'all!

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  4. Wow that's a lot to think about. It's awesome that your not afraid to be you. I am a little heavier for a guy and I sometimes feel the same way as you. I hate it when young young kids ask me if I am pregnant. I hate having to say no I am just fat :( Can't really get into the whole men don't give birth :P

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  5. Jess - I just wanted you to know as your plus-sized sister that this blog really rocked my world. I went through extremely similar things all the way down to boys who only wanted to secretly date me & being the leader of the group of misfits in HS. I was nice to everyone but never ever worked out that I was treated the same. I despise having to buy Torrid online & that I can't march into Wal-Mart to pick up an outfit in a pinch. But it's really good to know that I am not the only one who struggles with finding my style or battles with food. I am gonna high five YB for deciding to do this CWP Clique thing because without it I never would have finally made the leap of faith to buy a smart phone, then twitter access 24/7 & Sirius for my android. Had it not been for all that I never would have "met" you. So thankful I am not alone! You are beautiful & the fact that you won't compromise for others makes me know we are DEFINITELY big girl sisters from another mister!

    *mwah*
    AshleeAUSome

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